Odd Jobs Crack
by EvilFuzzy9
Summary: A slow day at Odd Jobs Gin-chan, just like any other. Once again nothing of interest happened today, nothing of interest at all... "Oy, Shinpachi! Have you seen my razor anywhere?" Watch as the author repeatedly tries to write a ShinKagu fic, only for the cast to send the story so far off track that it winds up on another set of rails entirely. ShinKagu(?) GinSugar, HijiMayo. CRACK
1. Don't Lose Track of Your Razor

**Odd Jobs Crack**

A _Gintama_ thingy

by

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

**A/N: **_**Gintama**_** lends itself too damn well to crackfic. I'd wanted to do a ShinKagu piece, since my mind has somehow latched itself onto that as my OTP for **_**Gintama**_**, but the Yorozuya gang apparently had other ideas...**

* * *

"Oy, Shinpachi! Have you seen my razor anywhere?" Gintoki Sakata called out from the bathroom at the Odd Jobs Gin-chan headquarters.

"I think Kagura-chan was using it," Shinpachi Shimura replied, from where he was chipping mold off the bottom of the refrigerator.

"Ehhh?" Gin said, sticking his head out from the bathroom door. His naturally wavy silver hair was matted down to his head, wet from the shower, and he had shaving cream on his chin and around his mouth. "What the hell would she be doing with my razor? She's way too young to be shaving!" he declared. "She better not be shaving down there with my razor, dammit! She's way too young to be shaving down there!"

"Where the hell do you think she would be shaving?-!" Shinpachi snapped irritably, standing up from where he had been scraping the fridge. "You dirty old man! Get your mind out of the gutter!" he shouted.

"Who are you calling a dirty old man?-! I was obviously talking about her legs, _idiot!_"Gin shouted back even more loudly, a vein bulging on his temple, taking a step out of the bathroom, showing that he was wearing naught but a towel wrapped around his waist. "You're the one who needs to get your mind out of the gutter, Shinpachi! Why are you thinking about Kagura-chan shaving _there_, huh? You thinking of rubbing her there? Of caressing her *bleep*? Of pinching her *bleep*? Of doing *bleep*, and *bleep* to her *bleep* and her *bleep*? Or maybe putting your bleep between her bleep? Bah! Forget about it, pervert! You worthless perverted four-eyes! There's no way she'd go for you, anyways!"

"You're the pervert, saying things like that!" Shinpachi retorted, flustered. His face was bright red as he slammed the refrigerator door shut. "And why did you say 'bleep' those last two times?-!"

"Our censoring budget ran out!" Gin bellowed back, taking another step out of the bathroom, now standing completely out in the hall. "And I'm not a pervert, you damn idol otaku!"

"What's wrong with being an idol otaku, you naturally wavy haired bastard?-!" Shinpachi hollered angrily. "And what do you mean, our censoring budget ran out? This isn't an anime! All the author has to do is put an asterisk before and after the bleeps!"

"Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Leave my hair out of this, you damn four-eyes! You can't understand the pain of having naturally wavy hair!" Gin roared. "And those asterisks are pretty damn expensive, you know! Each one costs as much as animating a full length episode of an anime!"

"That's a lie!" Shinpachi exclaimed, peering into the hallway where Gin was. "A blatant lie! Those asterisks don't cost a damn thing! The author just has to go back and press the SHIFT and 8 keys once before and after the bleeps! That doesn't cost anything!"

"It costs bandwidth, dammit!" Gin retorted, taking another step away from the bathroom and towards Shinpachi, his dead fish eyes narrowed and temples throbbing. "Those asterisks use up a lot of bandwidth! And besides, if the author went back and fixed it now, our argument wouldn't even make sense anymore!"

"It didn't make any sense to begin with!" Shinpachi retorted in exasperation. "It's not like the author is hosting this himself! He's just putting it up on FFN, and that's free! Besides, wasn't this supposed to be a shipping fic for me and Kagura?-!"

"Hah!" Gin laughed mockingly, taking another step towards Shinpachi and puffing out his chest. "HAH, I say! You and Kagura?-! Bah! That's ridiculous! Why would anyone write a fic shipping you two, huh?-! It's obvious you just want to do shabu-shabu with her, you lolicon four-eyes!"

"No, that's definitely what the author's original intention was, dammit!" Shinpachi angrily shouted in response, taking another step towards Gin, glaring at the older man through his glasses. "And why are you calling me a lolicon? She's only a couple years younger than me! And is 'four-eyes' really the only thing you can say about me, you sugar-coated samurai?-!"

"The original intent ain't important!" Gintoki bellowed, clenching a fist and stomping up to Shinpachi. "Only the final product matters! And I'm calling you a lolicon because you're obviously a lolicon, _you lolicon!_ You were totally hoping for a love scene between you and Kagura!"

Shinpachi spluttered angrily, face red and glasses steamed.

"N-no!" he snapped, before getting up in Gin's face. "Of course not! It isn't like I think she's cute, or anything! She's too scary! She'd definitely snap me in half if we tried to do anything!"

"What's this '_we_' business, you lolicon?" Gin scoffed. "Like anything consensual could ever happen between _you two!_"

"It totally could!" Shinpachi argued. "You don't know anything about the kind of girl Kagura is!"

"And you _do?_" Gin sneered. "Hah! Nothing more than wishful thinking from a hopeless lolicon, you four-eyed idol otaku!"

"Go to hell, you worthless old man!" Shinpachi snarled. "And stop calling me a lolicon!"

"Lolicon," Gin drawled. "_Lolicon, lolicon, lolicon! _I call you whatever I want, _lolicon!_"

"Goddammit!" Shinpachi hissed through grit teeth. "You're seriously pissing me off, you bastard!"

"Ehhh?" Gintoki said, a smug look on his face. "If that's the case, then why don't you just do something about it, four-eyes?-!"

"Maybe I will!" Shinpachi snapped, clenching his fist and impulsively cocking it back. Before he could do anything else, however...

"Shut up!" Kagura snapped, decking Shinpachi from behind and sending him flying into Gin. "How am I supposed to shave Sadaharu with you two yelling like that, huh?-!" Her eyes were narrowed and white as she glared at the two male members of Odd Jobs, who were lying atop one another in a smoking heap.

Pointing behind her, she indicated her large, white dog, who appeared to have somehow misplaced most of his thick white coat.

"It's too hot out for Sadaharu at this time of year, so I've been shaving his coat, uh-huh! But you two are scaring him with your yelling! And just look what you made him do!" She held up a snapped razor, covered in long white hairs, with the name 'Gin-san' written on its handle.

"Ah..." Gin murmured weakly, seeing the implement in Kagura's hands. "My razor... so that's where it went..."

"I told you so..." Shinpachi muttered darkly.

"...shut up, Patsuan."

A slow day at Odd Jobs Gin-chan, just like any other. Once again nothing of interest happened today, nothing of interest at all...

**TTFN and R&R!**


	2. Don't Write Fics 'fore You Finish a Show

**Odd Jobs Crack**

A _Gintama_ thingy

by

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

**A/N: This is why I shouldn't write when I'm tired. Also, apparently this is now a multi-chapter thingy...?  
**

* * *

Kagura smiled as she looked up at the sky, umbrella over her head as she sat on a bench in Edo Park. She had to squint and shield her eyes, but she could see the sun, shining high in the sky up above.

It truly was beautiful. No matter how many times she saw it, she could never get used to how beautiful this planet's sky was. It was dangerous, true, but also sublimely beautiful.

Kagura laughed.

"Just like me, aru!" she declared, before getting lightly slapped on the back of the head by Shinpachi, who was sitting on the bench next to her.

"Don't comment on the narration, Kagura-chan," he told her. "We want to try and keep the fourth wall intact for this one. And why are you using '_aru_' now? I thought we were going with '_uh-huh_'."

Kagura punched Shinpachi in the side of the head, sending him flying into the statue of Ieyasu at the center of the park. He crashed into it hard, sliding down to the ground with a pained groan.

"Don't comment on my comments, you worthless four-eyes," the young, cute Yato drawled, her voice dripping with disdain for her fellow Yorozuya. "And we're using '_aru_' because it flows better with the dialogue than '_uh-huh_', aru."

"O, oy!" Shinpachi snapped, pushing himself up off the ground. Blood was pouring down his face as he glared at the girl, his glasses shining in the sunlight. "Did you forget the script already?-!" he asked her, exasperated. "This is supposed to be a sweet romance story, a tale of young love blooming between a boy and a girl!"

"Ohhh? Don't act so full of yourself, runt," Kagura said darkly, looking like a Yakuza as she stared down contemptuously at her longtime acquaintance under Odd Jobs Gin, sea blue eyes boring into him. "Don't think that just because you're my senior, I'll let you get away with copping a feel, aru."

Shinpachi's face went red as he got up onto his feet and pointed at Kagura.

"What part of that was copping a feel?" he demanded. "Tell me!"

Kagura tsk'ed. "The part where you pinched my butt, obviously... aru."

Shinpachi's face flushed, and he glared at Kagura, fists clenched and glasses shining.

"I did no such thing!" he protested. "This isn't smut like the other stuff the author writes, this is supposed to be a sweet, heartwarming love story!"

Kagura laughed derisively. "_Now_ who's the one breaking the fourth wall, aru huh?"

She smirked.

* * *

Kagura moaned lewdly as the tip of Shinpachi's rubber ducky rubbed against the entrance of her pumpernickel, which was soaking wet and burning hot to the touch.

"Don't tease me, you bastard..." the pale-skinned redhead whimpered, panting heavily, cheeks red and skin flush with sweat. "Put it in, aru... Put your doorbell in my clock and fruit punch me, Shinpachi, you bastard..."

"Ahh, you're a dirty little sock, aren't you, Kagura-chan?" Shinpachi grunted as he slowly parted the lips of Kagura's welcome mat, inching his throbbing pocketwatch in bit by bit. Kagura squealed, and he then starting playing with her small, perky telephones, rubbing them softly and playfully pinching her nicknacks.

Kagura gasped as Shinpachi suddenly picked up the pace, and then she—

* * *

"—Hey, hey, what the hell was that?-!" Shinpachi demanded angrily, a temple throbbing from his forehead. "Nothing like that is happening!" he protested. "Don't mislead the readers, you damn perverted author!"

Kagura, meanwhile, was redfaced with a faraway look in her eyes, hands cupping her cheeks as she sighed wistfully.

Shinpachi face-faulted.

* * *

Gintoki "Gin-san" Sakata looked up from the chocolate parfait he was slurping as he reclined behind his desk in the Odd Jobs Gin-chan office above Snack House Otose.

"Oy, oy..." he muttered, dead eyes narrowing as he belatedly took his feet off his desk. "What is this... Why do I get the feeling I've been unceremoniously shunted from the main character position...?"

"Who knows?" said the Yato, Abuto, who was sitting across from Gin's desk.

Gin blinked.

"...What are you doing in my office?" he asked.

Abuto shrugged. "Heh," he chuckled. "Apparently the author just finished watching the Yoshiwara in Flames arc, and has taken a liking to my character..."

"_Baaaah_," Gin groaned irritably, "That's just because you're voiced by the same seiyuu who does Jiraiya, you know. Don't let it go to your head."

"Oy, oy, that's pretty harsh..." Abuto muttered, a wry grin on his face. "I like to think I'm a pretty interesting character."

"Eh, that's what they all think," Gin said dismissively. "And anyways, should he really be writing fanfiction for a series he's only gotten halfway through? That seems like a bad idea. For all he knows, you might have been killed off at some point after the Yoshiwara arc."

Abuto sweatdropped.

"Ah... well, I don't know about that, but apparently there's a timeskip..."

"Maaah, pretty much every big, long-running Jump manga has had at least one timeskip. It's practically a rite of passage," Gin said with a noncommittal shrug. "Shouldn't even be a surprise that we'd have one too, you know."

The door to the office chose that moment to open, letting in the other two members of Odd Jobs Gin-chan. Shinpachi and Kagura were both redfaced and sopping wet, their soaked clothes clinging to their bodies.

Abuto, seeing the state the two were in and how they were half-carrying each other, smirked and got up.

"Well, it looks like that's my cue to leave..." he remarked, grabbing his umbrella and casually walking out of the office past the two young Yorozuya. Kagura gave him a scowl, no doubt expecting that he would be reporting her state and position to that no good big brother of hers.

Abuto gave Kagura and Shinpachi a wry grin as he passed them.

"Name one after me, won't you?"

**TTFN and R&R!**


	3. Don't Smother Good Meat with Condiments

**Odd Jobs Crack**

A _Gintama_ thingy

by

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

**A/N: This chapter is longer than the previous two, at least by a bit. It's also more coherent, slightly, and hardly breaks the fourth wall at all. Might this be the sign of an emerging plot?  
**

**... no, probably not.  
**

**Full chapter title:  
**

**_Don't Smother Good Meat with Condiments, Kids! That's What Bad Meat is for! _  
**

* * *

Shinpachi's stomach did an unpleasant back-flip as he looked at the contents of the plate before him.

"Erm..." he said. "...are you sure this is safe for consumption...?" he asked the man sitting opposite him.

"Tch, of course it is," said Hijikata, taking a drag of his ever-present cigarette. "Mayonnaise is the king of condiments. It can make anything edible."

Shinpachi chuckled nervously, glancing down at the heap of mayo on the plate before him, so large that the orginal food could not be seen beneath it.

"You can say that..." he murmured dubiously, the look of a man on death row upon his face. "...but with ane-ue's cooking, it's not so much about concealing the taste...as it is about neutralizing the toxins..."

"Ah," came the sound of his sister's voice from the kitchen, her tone dangerously sweet. "What was that, Shin-chan?"

Shinpachi's spine froze up in fear.

"N-n-nothing, ane-ue!" he stammered frantically. "N-nothing at all!"

Otae Shimura stuck her head into the dining room of the old, dilapidated Kodokan Dojo where her brother, Shinpachi Shimura, and the Demon Vice Chief of the Shinsengumi, Toshiro Hijikata, were seated upon tatami mats on opposite ends of a traditional low table, identical plates of mayonnaise covered something-or-other before them. There was a smile on her face, but it did not reach her eyes, which were cracked open just a slit, a deathly look being given to her two victims...er, _guests_.

"...If you say so, Shin-chan," she said sweetly, after a terrifyingly long pregnant pause during which Shinpachi and Hijikata's lives flashed before their respective eyes.

Otae then left, returning to the kitchen as she quietly hummed the melody to "_What Planet is Yo Mama From?_"

Shinpachi let out a sigh of relief, before glancing up at Hijikata, who was practically inhaling the nauseating mass of mayo on his plate. The teen fought back the urge to barf at the sight, dry-heaving before he shook his head.

"Say, Hijikata-san..." he quietly ventured after a moment of awkard silence, staring lifelessly at his plate of mayonnaise covered whatever. "...what are you doing here, anyway...?"

"Official Shinsengumi business," the man grunted with his mouth full, nearly causing Shinpachi to vomit.

After Shinpachi recovered from that near miss, he quietly said, "You're looking for Kondo-san, aren't you." It wasn't a question.

"No, actually..." Hijikata muttered, setting down his now-empty plate, using a napkin to wipe the traces of mayo from his lips. "I'm here on the chief's orders."

"...Did he tell you to try and convince ane-ue to go out with him?"

"...not this time," Hijikata said, sounding clearly embarrassed for his superior.

"Oh?" Shinpachi said, his curiosity piqued. "If not that, then what...?"

Hijikata sighed miserably.

"...to help you get a girl..." he muttered, looking absolutely humiliated.

Shinpachi blinked. "Eh?" he said. "Eh? Eh? Isn't there something odd about that? Isn't that a really shifty mission to be giving the Vice Chief of the Shinsengumi?-!" he exclaimed disbelievingly. "He obviously has ulterior motives! And does he really think I'm the only thing keeping him from hooking up with ane-ue?-!"

Hijikata shrugged, giving Shinpachi a "what-can-you-do-about-it?" look.

"What can I say?" Hijikata said, lifting his cigarette to his mouth taking a drag. "As the subordinate, it makes me look bad if my superior is constantly being made a fool of."

Shinpachi sweatdropped. "...It's more like your superior is the one making a fool of himself, you know..." he remarked.

"Whatever," Hijikata said dismissively. "The point is, the chief wants us to help his brother-in-law get a woman of his own."

"Since when am I his brother-in-law?-!" Shinpachi snapped. "And first he should worry about getting himself a woman! He's almost thirty, isn't he? He should be more realistic about his prospects!"

"That's mean, niichan," came the voice of Shinsengumi First Division Captain Sogo Okita from right behind Shinpachi. "The chief can't help it if he has the face of a gorilla."

Shinpachi jumped, startled. Whirling around, he jabbed a finger into the nonchalant Okita's chest, temples throbbing in his forehead.

"His face is only half of the problem!" Shinpachi shouted. "His personality is completely worthless, too! Ane-ue doesn't need some idiotic stalker harrassing her day in and day out!"

"How cruel," Okita said in his usual lethargic tone of voice. "Chief Gorilla can't help it if he has a learning disability."

"Heeey!" came a despairing shout from beneath the floorboards of the kitchen, "Who are you calling Chief Gorilla?-! Do I really look that much like a gorilla? DO I?"

Shinpachi and Hijikata, as one, stomped down on the floorboards where the voice was coming from, their feet shattering the wooden floor and shooting straight through to impact with the plutonium-dense skull of the Shinsengumi Chief Isaru Gori—er, Isao Kondo.

* * *

"What are you doing in our floorboards, you damn stalker gorilla?-!" Shinpachi snapped, stomping on Kondo's back, the man now spreadeagled on the floor next to the hole that had been made by his and Hijikata's feet

"Oy!" Hijikata snapped, temples throbbing dangerously as he assisted in stomping on his idiotic superior's back. "Why aren't you down at the station, dammit?-!"

"I'm sorry!" Kondo cried tears streaming down his cheeks and snot dribbling from his nose. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I just wanted to help my little brother find true love!"

Shinpachi's glasses shined eerily. "Ehhhh? Why have I suddenly been upgraded from 'brother-in-law' to 'little brother', you bastard?-!" he shouted angrily, grinding his heel into Kondo's back. His temples appeared ready to burst, and his face was looking decidedly scary. He then paused, his demeanor and appearance reverting to their ordinary state.

"..._well, in this case it feels more like a downgrade_..." Shinpachi muttered under his breath, pointedly looking away from Kondo.

"Ahh!" Kondo shouted, looking up at Shinpachi miserably. "Too cruel! Are you saying you can't even bear the thought of being related to me?-!"

"Of course I can't!" snarled Shinpachi. "Who would want to be related to an evolutionary throwback like you?-! You damned Piltdown Man! No... you freaking Nebraska Man!"

Kondo cried pitifully.

"Too mean!" the grown man wailed pathetically. "Is that all I'm worth to you? A single pig tooth? Not even an orangutan skull, but just a pig's tooth?-! Too mean! You're too mean, little brother!"

Kondo then jumped onto his feet in an apparent attempt to sweep Shinpachi into a manly embrace, but he was stopped by the teen's foot in his face.

"Don't touch me, you stinking pig's tooth!" Shinpachi snapped.

Hijikata sighed, taking a longsuffering drag of his cigarette and exhaling a sizable puff of smoke.

"Oy, oy," he drawled. "Kondo-san is really making us look bad, here..."

"You don't need his help to look bad, tax thieves," came a familiar, childishly feminine voice. "You do that well enough all by yourselves, aru."

The door to the dining room opened, revealing Kagura, who was wearing her usual red and yellow cheongsam and sucking on a piece of sukonbu, and as always she had her umbrella to keep her shaded. And standing next to Kagura, affectionately ruffling the girl's hair while sneering at Hijikata, was Gintoki.

"Did you hear that?" said Gin to Hijikata. "They say that little kids are able to see people's true natures, you know." He chuckled condescendingly at the Shinsengumi Vice Chief, pulling a piece of sukonbu out of his pocket and giving it Kagura, who casually accepted it from him.

"That's dogs, idiot!" Hijikata snarled, naturally aggravated by Gintoki's appearance. "They say that about dogs, not kids! And you're obviously just bribing her to badmouth us!"

"Do I look like a dog to you, aru?" Kagura said, swallowing the first piece of sukonbu and putting the second one into her mouth. "All that smoking must be ruining your eyes, mayo-freak."

Gin gave her another piece of sukonbu, which she stowed away in a pocket for safe-keeping.

Hijikata's temples bulged out of his head, his naturally small pupils shrinking even further. "Friggin' bastard..." he growled. "You're seriously pissing me off... _And you're obviously bribing her, dammit!_" he roared.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Gin said. "Do you, Kagura-chan?"

The vermillion-haired Yato shook her head. "Uh-uh. The stupid pig must be seeing things, aru."

Gin gave her another piece of pickled seaweed while in the background Kondo started wailing anew about how he was _definitely_ worth more than just a single pig tooth and Shinpachi kicked Kondo in the head.

Hijikata groaned, palming his face.

"I don't get paid enough to put up with this crap..."

**TTFN and R&R!**

* * *

_translation notes:_

_"ane-ue" - "elder sister", respectful_

_"niichan" - "big(?) brother", somewhat childish or casual_

_"saru" - "monkey"_


	4. Don't go Crazy Eating Something You Hate

**Odd Jobs Crack**

A _Gintama_ thingy

by

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

**A/N: Well, this chapter contains Yamazaki. It is also actually a continuation of the previous one. Who knew?**

**Also, there is one gag in this chapter that I will not apologize for. It was begging for me to do it after I saw a certain early fifth season episode...**

**Also, something of interest: in my documents folder, I have docs labled Odd Jobs Crack, Odd Jobs Crack 01, Odd Jobs Crack 03, and this one makes Odd Jobs Crack 04. Can **_**you **_**spot what's wonky about that?**

* * *

Sagaru Yamazaki, one of the Shinsengumi's most talented spies, shook his head as he looked down at the list of names he'd compiled on the orders of his superiors.

"I can't believe they're actually making me do something like this..." he muttered with a longsuffering sigh, skimming over the names he'd gathered. "I'd really hope I get paid extra for doing all of that."

He then looked up the shoji door before him. He was here at the Shimura family's Kodokan Dojo to meet up with aforementioned superiors and deliver them the list.

"They'd better appreciate all the work I did to get those names..." he muttered, reaching out to slide open the door, before sighing. "Oh, who am I kidding? Of course they won't."

With that, Yamazaki slid the door open.

He was then knocked out cold by a purple umbrella.

"Stop dodging, aru!" Kagura roared, not even noticing the innocent victim of her failed attack as she glared at the remarkably evasive Sogo Okita. "I'm gonna kill you one way or another, you damn sadist!" she snarled eyes white and temples bulging. "Running away won't change that, aru!"

"Ehh?" drawled Okita, stopping in his apparent flight to raise his katana, sheath and all, blocking a wild swing from Kagura's umbrella. "Who said I was running away, China-girl?"

Quick as a flash, he slipped his sword out of the sheath, which was still locked against Kagura's umbrella, and swung. Kagura barely ducked in time to avoid getting more than just a few inches taken off the top, a few vermillion hairs floating in the air after being unceremoniously separated from her scalp.

Meanwhile, as Kagura and Okita were having one of their customary deathmatches, Hijikata was sitting at the Shimura family's low table, glaring at Gintoki, had sat down opposite from him and started picking his nose. Otae and Shinpachi were sitting at the sides of the table perpendicular to Gin and Hijikata. And Kondo was lying bruised and bleeding in the corner, unconscious, or at least silent and motionless.

"So what are you tax thieves doing here, ehhh?" Gin asked, giving Hijikata a glare as he not-so-covertly flicked a booger across the table and onto the Shinsengumi Vice Chief's shirt.

"Official police business," Hijikata drawled condescendingly, a vein throbbing in his temple as he blew a puff of cigarette smoke across the table and into Gin's face. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Visiting Patsuan," Gin grunted, jabbing a thumb in the direction of the bespectled Odd Jobs member.

Hijitake harrumphed. "A likely story," he said with a sneer.

"I could say the same to you," Gin drawled. "What kind of shady police business is this, huh? You looking for a bribe? Searching the premises without a warrant? Huh? Huh?"

"Nothing like that," said Okita, casually jumping over the table as he dodged bullets from Kagura's umbrella. "We're just here to help niichan find a girl."

Shinpachi sighed. "That's really insulting, you know..." he commented dryly. "...you guys assuming that I need your help to get a girlfriend..."

Kagura blinked, looking up from reloading her umbrella.

"Eh? Is _that_ why they're all here?" she said. "If that's the case, then they're just wasting their time." She then turned and gave Shinpachi a condescending smirk. "The only place _he's_ able to get a girl is in a galge."

Shinpachi glowered at Kagura, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, causing the lenses to glint and obscure his pupils.

"Hey,don't act like I haven't seen that collection of otome games in your closet, Kagura-chan," he said lowly. "Or those shojo and BL manga under your futon."

"Those are Gin-chan's," Kagura said easily.

"Even the BL ones?" Shinpachi deadpanned.

"_Especially_ the BL ones," Kagura nodded.

"Oyyyy!" Gin protested. "Don't go dragging my name through the mud! As if I have any interest in that kind of stuff!"

"Don't worry, Gin-san," said Otae, putting a hand on Gin's shoulder. "I won't judge you for your sexual preferences." She was smiling as she spoke, but it did not reach her eyes, which were narrowed and radiating contempt.

"Say that if you want, but you're judging me!" Gin exclaimed, even while taking an involuntary step back and holding his hands up defensively. "You're definitely judging me! And I'm not even into that kind of thing, anyways! I like chicks, _honest!_"

Otae's fake smile waned, and her narrowed eyes flicked suspiciously up and down the silver-haired man's profile. She then smiled again, and this one sent shivers down Gin's spine.

"Is that so?" she said brightly, with a threatening undertone. "So you _haven't_ been taking advantage of my Shin-chan...?"

"...eh?" Gin muttered, staring owlishly at Otae. "N-n-no! Of course not!" He then paused. "...well, not in the way you're thinking of, at least..." he admitted reluctantly. "...I _may_ have been skimping on his and Kagura-chan's cut of the pay and using the leftover money at the pachinko parlor..." he mumbled, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly and doing his damnedest not to look Otae in the eye. "You know how it is, right?"

He was kicked through the still open front door by Kagura and Shinpachi working together in perfect unison.

"I knew it!" Shinpachi declared, temples throbbing and glasses gleaming. "I knew I should have been getting more than what you were paying me! Taxes my ass!"

"Me too, aru!" Kagura snarled ferally, clenching a fist so hard that the knuckles audibly cracked. "Don't think you can get away with cheating me out of pay, aru!"

Hijikata, while smirking at the sight of Gin lying outside the door in a crumpled heap, noticed for the first time that a certain plain, unremarkable spy was lying on the doorstep. He scowled, taking his cigarette out of his mouth.

"Oy, Yamazaki..." he said lowly, threateningly, his eyes narrowed as glared the Shinsengumi agent whose eyes were white and face was covered in blood. "...Who said you could sleep on the job?-!" He picked Yamazaki up by the front of his collar and started violently shaking him.

Shinpachi, attention diverted from his no-good employer, sweatdropped at Hijikata's actions. "Erm... He's obviously unconscious..." he muttered.

He then noticed a small notepad clutched in the Shinsengumi agent's stiff, rigid fingers.

"Wait, what's that he's holding?" he asked Hijikata, pointing at notepad in Yamazaki's hands.

Hijikata blinked, looking down.

"Huh?" he said intelligently, pausing in the violent shaking of his insensate comrade's body.

"Ah!" exclaimed Kondo, suddenly popping up next to Hijikata. "That must be the list of names and numbers I asked him to gather!" He grabbed the notepad and flipped it open.

Hijikata looked askance at his chief. "Names?" he parroted questioningly. "Numbers?"

"For my little bro," Kondo explained. "It's the names and numbers of all the available girls his age."

Shinpachi glared at Kondo, once more pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

"Don't call me your _'little bro'_," he said darkly. But then his expression mellowed, and he sidled up alongside Hijikata and Kondo. "...That does sound somewhat useful, though...if a little creepy..."

He peered into the notepad.

_'ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN ANPAN'_

Shinpachi blinked. He stared nervously at the contents of the notepad. It went on in the same manner all the way through, the word_ 'ANPAN' _written all over the pages in a frighteningly erratic fashion.

"Uh..." he said slowly. "...what is this...?"

**TTFN and R&R!**

* * *

_translation notes:_

_"galge" - a gal game, or dating sim_

_"otome games" - the above, only targeted towards girls_

_"shojo" - "young girl"; in this context referring to manga targeted chiefly towards middle school girls, many of which are cliche romances_

_"BL" - not actually from a foreign language, it's an abbreviation of "boy/boy's love", also known as "yaoi", "shonen ai", or "slash"_

_"anpan" - a type of bread with sweet bean jam filling (if I recall correctly)  
_


	5. Don't Anger Scary Women

**Odd Jobs Crack**

A _Gintama_ thingy

by

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

**A/N: Once again, the cast kinda ran away with this. Okita and Hijikata, especially, sorta wound up stealing the show near the end. I do have vague, slightly shippy plans for the next chapter though, involving certain happenings from this one.  
**

* * *

"Uh..." Shinpachi said slowly, sweat beading on his forehead as he stared nervously at the contents of the notepad in Kondo's hand. "...what is this...?"

Hijikata, standing on the other side of Kondo, sighed longsufferingly.

"Oy, Yamazaki," he grunted, giving the unconscious spy a sharp kick to the side. "'The hell is this?" he asked, taking the notepad from Kondo's hand and shoving it into his subordinate's face, which was covered with drying blood. "Where are those names the Chief asked you to gather?"

"Ah..." Yamazaki groaned weakly, slowly reaching into one of his pockets and taking out another notepad. "Here you go, Vice Chief..." he said, eyes glazed over as he gave the pad to Hijikata. "I finished...my book report..."

He then passed back out with a mumbled, "...I don't wanna go to school, ma..."

"Is...is Yamazaki-san okay...? I mean, _really_ okay?" Shinpachi wondered nervously. "Because he looks like we should be taking him to the hospital... Like, _right now._"

"Ehh, he'll be fine." Hijikata said dismissively, flipping open the notepad Yamazaki had handed him. "He's had worse."

He then handed the notepad to Shinpachi, having given it a brief once over.

"Here," he told the bespectacled teen. "This one looks legitimate."

"Really...?" said Shinpachi, taking the notepad and glancing at its contents. "Ah! You're right," he said, perusing it more closely. "This one does look right..."

He then paused, noticing something odd.

"Wait..." Shinpachi muttered, narrowing his eyes. "Wait a minute... these aren't phone numbers..." he said, sweat starting to bead down his brow as his hands began trembling. "...these... these are... these are... ... ..."

A vein bulged out in his forehead and his glasses glinted forebodingly.

"THESE ARE THEIR MEASUREMENTS, YOU CREEPS!-!" Shinpachi snapped, angrily throwing the notepad at Yamazaki's head. His face was bright red, and he was desperately trying to stave off the mental images being conjured by his hormonal, teenage brain. "What the hell kind of person do you think I am?-!" he roared. "I didn't need to know that kind of thing! _And why the hell are ane-ue's and Kagura-chan's measurements in there?-!-?_"

Hijikata blinked.

"Wait, what?" the chain-smoking Shinsengumi Vice Chief said intelligently, turning to look at Kondo and Yamazaki. "_What?_"

A pair of dark, murderous auras suddenly erupted in the room as two demon lords in mortal flesh turned baleful glares upon the present Shinsengumi. Shinpachi whimpered, his indignation immediately evaporating into mortal terror.

With a squeak, Shinpachi ducked aside, abandoning the Shinsengumi to their fate.

"_Ehhhh?_"came the sound of Otae's voice as she stepped forward, her eyes narrowed and her teeth bared in a snarl as she spoke, looking more like a seasoned, hardcore Yakuza than a cabaret girl. "_What was that about my measurements?_" she said darkly, eyes gleaming with murderous intent as she gazed upon a nonplussed Hijikata, an unconscious Yamazaki, and a seemingly oblivious Kondo.

"Ahahaha!" Kondo laughed. "I told Zaki to gather the names and numbers of all the available girls near Li'l Bro's age. I guess he misunderstood, hahaha!" he laughed again nervously, sweat pouring down his face as he quivered and quaked.

He was then sent through the wall by an earth-shattering punch courtesy of Otae.

"LIKE HELL, YOU DAMN GORILLA!" the ponytailed demon lord bellowed, her fist tearing through the kitchen wall like it was made out of paper mache.

Kagura, meanwhile, was swinging the unconscious Yamazaki around by his legs like he was some kind of medieval flail, destroying everything in sight as she ran amok in pursuit of a violently cursing Hijikata and a surprisingly nonchalant Okita.

"Get back here so I can kill you, aru!" Kagura roared, slamming Yamazaki's body down on the dining table, shattering it, as she chased after Hijikata and Okita, eyes white and looking like slanted, mirrored 'D's.

"Goddammit, Yamazaki!" Hijikata roared even as he fled the berserk Yato girl, holding his jacket over his shoulder, cigarette hanging from his lips and trailing smoke behind him. "If we survive this, you're dead! Got that?-! Even if I die, I'll come back from the grave just so I can kill you! Dammit!"

"Mou, Hijikata-san," said Okita who was keeping perfect pace with the Vice Chief without even breaking a sweat. "He was probably just following Kondo's orders, you know."

Hijikata grimaced, then he snapped. "Well, _somebody_ will have to die for this!"

"Okay, then," Okita said, raising a hand. "I volunteer... _you_." He pointed at Hijikata, before sticking a foot out and tripping him.

Toshiro's eyes widened as he fell to the ground, seconds away from being overtaken by Kagura. Naturally, he used those last few seconds (_of his life - S. Okita ❤_) well.

"SOGO, YOU MOTHERFU—!"

* * *

Kagura deposited the bruised and bloodied bodies of Yamazaki and Hijikata in the dirt, a dark look on her face. Otae, standing next to the younger girl, threw down the barely recognizable lump of hair, torn clothes, and broken bones that was Isao Kondo, smiling brightly as she did so.

As one, the two clapped the dirt off their hands and walked back inside.

Okita, hiding behind a tree sighed in relief. There was a sizable lump on his head and his nose was bent at an odd angle, blood staining his upper lip, but other than that he was fine. He was used to being targeted by that crazy China-girl, so it hadn't been too hard for him to escape the worst of her murder attempts.

Seeing that the girls had gone back inside, Okita clasped his hands together and closed his eyes. "Farewell, Kondo-san, Jimmy, may your souls rest in peace. Farewell, Hijikata-san. Burn in Hell."

He then opened his eyes to see the dilated pupils of the Demon Vice Chief's eyes boring into his, a dangerous grimace on the man's face (which was covered in blood, greatly enhancing the intimidation factor).

"Ah," Okita said blandly, the same neutral expression as ever on his face. "Hello, Hijikata-san. Did you have fun with your new playmate?"

Hijikata's glare only intensified at that remark.

"_Fall off a cliff and die, Sogo._"

* * *

**omake thingy**

_Ohhhh! I'm Kagu-ra the Yaaa-to gaaaaal!_

_I'm Kagu-ra the Yaaa-to gaaaaal!_

_ I yam wot I yam_

_ And that's all wot I yam,_

_ I'm Kagu-ra the Yaaa-to gaaaaal!_

_ Ohhhh! I'm one cute A-man-to_

_ Who hates punks from Edo_

_ Who ain't on the ups and squares!_

_ Boy! I biffs 'em and buffs 'em_

_ And al-ways out-roughs 'em,_

_ But none of 'em gets no-wheres!_

_ Now, if anyone dasses to risk me "fisk"_

_ It's "Whack" and it's "Pow", got it pal?_

_ So keep good be-hav-or_

_ That's your one life-sav-er_

_ With Kagu-ra the Yaaa-to gaaaaal!_

_ Ohhhh! I'm Kagu-ra the Yaaa-to gaaaaal!_

_ I'm Kagu-ra the Yaaa-to gaaaaal!_

_ I'm strong as I NEEDS BE_

_ 'Cause I eats ME SEAWEED,_

_ I'm Kagu-ra the Yaaaaaa-tooo gaaaaaaaaaal~!_

**TTFN and R&R!**

* * *

_translation notes:_

_none_


	6. Don't Give Yourself Brain Damage

**Odd Jobs Crack**

A _Gintama_ thingy

by

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

**A/N: This started out looking like it might be a good ShinKagu bit. Then it got weird. **

**But that's pretty much this fic in a nutshell, then, isn't it?**

* * *

Shinpachi coughed quietly, nervously, when he saw his sister and Kagura re-enter the thoroughly wrecked dining room. His face was slightly red, and while the two girls could not see his eyes behind his glasses, with the light reflecting off of them at that angle, they got the distinct impression that he was avoiding looking at them. Somehow, the teen had managed to not get caught up in the two girls' rampage, but he still looked quite nervous,

Gintoki, who was sitting next to Shinpachi, did not look nearly so affected. There was a lump on the side of his head from where Shinpachi and Kagura had kicked him in chapter four, but he was otherwise fine, physically and mentally. He had also escaped the earlier ruckus, by virtue of being both uninvolved and unconscious.

Otae smiled at her younger brother. "No need to worry, Shin-chan," she told him comfortingly. "Your ane-ue has taken care of those perverts who tried to poison her precious otouto's mind."

Shinpachi, his cheeks red, nodded absently.

"Y-Yeah..." he said, looking his sister in the eye with a weak half-smile.

He then chanced a glance in Kagura's direction. Her outfit was covered in blood (none of it hers), but the color blended in so well with the crimson fabric that it was almost impossible to pick out if you weren't looking for it.

In the back of his mind, Shinpachi noted the way Kagura's outfit clung to her slender, almost childish figure. He tried hard not to think about it, he really did, but the measurements recorded in that notepad had stubbornly burned themselves into his memory (much like Otae had burned said notepad into ashes), and almost against his will he found himself envisioning what Kagura looked like under her cheongsam...

Shinpachi immediately stood up and walked over to the nearest intact wall, then he started slamming his forehead against it until both the wall and his skull were cracked and covered with his blood, desperately attempting to dislodge those perversely perverted thoughts from his head. Naturally, the other three stared at him in a mixture of confusion and concern.

"Uhhh... Shinpachi...?" said Gin awkwardly.

THUMP THUMP

"What, Gin-san?" Shinpachi responded in a disturbing monotone as he continued rhythmically bashing his head against the wall.

THUMP THUMP

"Are... are you alright...?"

THUMP THUMP

"Of course I am, Gin-san," droned Shinpachi, blooding dripping steadily down his forehead. "Why do you ask?"

THUMP THUMP

Gin smiled nervously. "Well... you just seem a little out of it..." he muttered.

THUMP THUMP

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Gin-san. I'm perfectly fine."

THUMP THUMP _SMASH_

"Oh dear," Otae remarked, seeing the new hole in the wall, through which Shinpachi was poking his head. "I hope you fix that up when you're finished, Shin-chan."

Shinpachi was silent for a moment, before dislodging his head from the hole. Then he turned around to face his sister. It seemed like he was back to normal, now.

"Of course, ane-ue," he said sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck.

"You should be more careful, Shinpachi," said Kagura, grabbing the teen's attention. "You're always telling me and Gin-chan not to break stuff, you know. You should take your own advice, aru."

Shinpachi said nothing. He simply stared silently at Kagura for a minute, face beet red and glasses fogged up. And then he turned right back around and went back to the wall, right next to the hole he'd made.

THUMP THUMP THUMP

Kagura scowled, looking over at Gin.

"Gin-chaaan," she whined, "Shinpachi's being creepy."

Gin, his voice a squeaky, chuckled nervously. "Heheh, well, it's... you know... his time of the month..." the curly-haired ronin muttered weakly.

Kagura cocked her head to one side curiously, like a dog. "His time of the month?" she repeated. "Do you mean he's—?"

THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP

Gin's face turned a little green at Kagura's graphic language.

"N-No..." he said, slowly shaking his head. "He... well, you see... Shinpachi was... he was bitten by... by a radioactive heavy metal fan, during an Otsu concert a while back... and now, every month during the full moon, he gets the uncontrollable urge to... bang his head," Gin lied through his teeth.

Kagura looked curiously at Shinpachi. She then looked back at Gin.

"...against the wall?" she said dubiously, eyes half-lidded.

"Against the wall," Gin repeated with a straight face, nodding sagely.

The thumping then suddenly stopped.

"I-It's nothing like that..." Shinpachi said quietly, leaning his head against the wall. "It's just... there's a certain thing... I'm trying really hard to get out of my head..."

"Ah," said Otae, nodding softly as realization hit her. "You're trying to forget those measurements, aren't you, Shin-chan?"

Shinpachi blushed faintly at the mention of those thrice-damned measurements that were making it next to impossible for him to look Kagura in the eye (Otae was not as big a problem, since she was his sister and contrary to any of Gin-san's claims, Shinpachi did _not_ think of her like that).

"It's... something like that, yeah..." he murmured.

"I see," Otae said, smiling in understanding. "Well then..." She bent over and picked up the largest remaining piece of the dining table. "...let me help you with that, Shin-chan!" she said cheerfully, before braining her brother with enough force to knock down a third of the wall.

Shinpachi crumpled like a ton of bricks.

"Well, Shin-chan?" Otae said sweetly, standing over the twitching form of her little brother. "Did that help any?"

Shinpachi looked up at his sister. Mentally, he drew up a blank in regards to her measurements, and he breathed a sigh of relief.

"That's good," he said, "I think it actually worked..."

Just to make sure, he glanced over at Kagura and tried to recall her measurements. Nothing.

Shinpachi smiled. "Ahh, that's a relief..." he said. "I didn't need that anything like that complicating matters between us..."

He then stood back up, dusting his hands off.

"Well, I think I'll go to the bathroom and wash up now," he remarked offhandedly, moving to leave. He paused for a moment, though, and glanced back over his shoulder.

"...b-by the way..." Shinpachi mumbled awkwardly, his cheeks pink. "Ane-ue... Kagura-chan... Why aren't the two of you wearing any clothes...?"

CRASH

Kagura's umbrella hit Shinpachi in the head, sending him through the wall.

"_Homerun, aru!_" the Yato girl cheered, before noticing the looks she was getting from Gin and Otae. "...What?" she said, an innocent look on her face. "He was seeing things, aru. What? Ane-go gets to hit him but I don't? That's no fair," she pouted.

"Ah... ahahaha..." Gin laughed nervously, looking from the smoking, Shinpachi-shaped hole in the wall to the pair of girl-shaped demon lords. "I...should probably take Patsuan to the hospital, now..." he muttered.

The silver-haired sugar addict then moved to get the hell out of dodge, only to be stopped by Otae's hand on his shoulder.

"There's no need for you to go through all that trouble, Gin-san," said Tae Shimura in a syrupy sweet tone of voice. "Kagura-chan and I can nurse Shin-chan back to health by ourselves. _No need to get any doctors involved,_" she whispered, her words seeming to take on a menacing life all their own.

Gin gulped nervously, sweat pouring down his face.

"O-Of course...!" he said, before laughing anxiously. "Aha! Ahaha-hahahahaha! Well, I'll be going, then! No need for me to get in the way of you girls! Ahahaha!"

Internally, he was clasping his hands and whispering a prayer for Shinpachi. _'I won't forget your sacrifice, Patsuan. May your glasses rest in peace.'_

He then darted off, running for the hills before anything else could happen.

And Shinpachi, lying in a smoking heap on the grounds outside the dojo, felt the inexplicable urge to snap, _"Why just my glasses...?-!"_

**TTFN and R&R!**

* * *

_translation notes:_

_"otouto" - little brother_


	7. Don't Go and Fall for a Crazy China Girl

**Odd Jobs Crack**

A _Gintama_ thingy

by

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

**A/N: Well, this chapter was definitely shippy. It's not as funny as the previous chapters, but it's fairly cute, in exchange. I think I might've made Kagura a little too nice in it, though. What do you guys think? **

**Also, I'm not certain where I might go with the "plot" after this. Because this has apparently somehow evolved into a vaguely coherent, continuous story. I don't know. But maybe you guys do...? *hint* *hint* *give me ideas* *hint*  
**

* * *

Shinpachi's head hurt terribly when he finally came to. It felt like there was an Otsu-chan concert being held in his skull and he wasn't invited, and it was throbbing and aching all over and throughout. He felt like someone had taken jackhammer to his forehead.

Opening his eyes, wincing at the bright light, Shinpachi glanced around at his surroundings. He blinked, recognizing the brightly colored posters featuring his one and only idol which were plastered all over the walls. Belatedly, mind still a bit groggy from an extended period of unconsciousness, he realized that he was in his bedroom.

As he glanced around, trying to recall what had happened to him, Shinpachi raised a hand to scratch at an itch on his forehead, only to find that it was wrapped in clean white bandages. They were cheap and coarse, but he could tell just from touching them that they had been wrapped on with tender, loving care. The way the bandages were wrapped was somewhat nostalgic, just like how Ane-ue would wrap them when he was little.

Shinpachi smiled softly. His sister had not done his bandages for him like this in quite a while. These days he usually either patched himself up, went to the hospital, or just let it be – it was one of the small, but important ways in which he strived to be independent, to not be a burden on his sister.

His smile waned, however, when his nose caught the aroma of something cooking, and his stomach decided to make its presence known, vocally protesting its current state of emptiness. It did not smell like his sister's cooking, to a mixture of relief and confusion from Shinpachi. Relief, because no matter what his sister tried to cook, it inevitably ended up as dark matter; confusion, because Ane-ue was _very_ territorial about certain things, and the kitchen was one such thing.

For a while, he sat just there, idly entertaining thoughts of who might be cooking in his house. But some minutes passed, and eventually he heard the telltale sound of footsteps approaching his bedroom.

The door to Shinpachi's room swung open, and in walked a cute redhead wearing a short-hemmed nurse outfit. She carrying a rice cooker under one arm and a carton of eggs under the other. It took Shinpachi a moment to put a name to that pretty face, but when he did, he felt his cheeks suddenly, inexplicably, begin to burn like they were on fire.

"K-Kagura-chan...?" he said, trying and failing not to stare. She looked incredibly cute in that outfit, and Shinpachi could not help but notice that somehow his mental classification of her had apparently, at some point, changed from 'child' to '_girl_'.

The vermillion haired chit blinked, noticing that Shinpachi was sitting up and looking at her. "Oh, aru!" she said. "So you're awake, now?"

Shinpachi sweatdropped. "Why would you bring food up to my room if you didn't even know I was awake?-!" he snapped, though it was more out of habit than actual irritation. He was a little too preoccupied with the revelation that Kagura was – in fact – a _girl_, and apparently a _cute_ _one_, at that.

Kagura shrugged. "Ane-go told me to watch you while she went to work. But I got hungry and decided to make something to eat, aru."

"I see..." Shinpachi muttered, his cheeks red and eyes downcast. He was visibly flustered as Kagura took a seat at the end of the bed, giving him the briefest, slightest glimpse up the criminally short skirt of her nurse uniform before she crossed her legs and set the rice cooker down on the bed between the two of them.

He was quiet for a moment as Kagura took out an egg and cracked it over the rice, before softly asking, "Hey, Kagura-chan... Can I have some of that...?"

Kagura gave him a look, and for a moment he figured she was going to say no. But then, surprisingly, she smiled and said, "Okay, aru!" before moving closer, setting the insulated bottom of the rice cooker on his lap and kneeling down on top of his legs.

Shinpachi's face grew redder and hotter as he realized what Kagura intended to do. He tried very hard not to get a nosebleed as his mind went to a dirty place while the redhead plucked up a clump of egg-covered rice with the chopsticks and help it up to his mouth.

"Say '_ahhh_', aru," she told him.

Shinpachi somewhat hesitantly did as Kagura instructed, fearing for a moment that she would forcefully cram the food down his throat, causing him to choke. But she was surprisingly gentle, placing the egg-on-rice on his tongue and withdrawing the chopsticks to get some more, stopping to let Shinpachi chew and swallow once his mouth was reasonably full. His cheeks were pink as his fellow Yorozuya fed him.

It was strange. Over his time working with the girl, Shinpachi had eaten Kagura's egg-over-rice more times than he cared to count, so much that he had grown almost completely sick of it in the past. And yet, for some reason, as Kagura spooned the rice with his mouth with uncharacteristic levels care and attentiveness, he could not imagine wanting to eat anything else.

It really was strange. He felt happier than he would have ever imagined, and it wasn't the food – or the concussion – that was doing it, either. No, by all accounts, it seemed that it was _Kagura_. Shinpachi could not understand it, but somehow, for some reason, just having Kagura close to him made him feel so warm inside. It was not an unfamiliar sensation for the perennial teenager, he had experienced it enough times to know, more or less, what it was.

Shinpachi shook his head.

But how could it be? He pondered. Why should he, why _would_ he, get that feeling from being with _Kagura-chan_ of all people? She was still just a child, surely! Even if the girl was only two years his junior, at their age those two years might as well be vast, immeasurable gulf, a bottomless, yawning chasm which separated them!

Surely, he wasn't being overly dramatic. _Surely_, he wasn't grasping at straws for an excuse for why this couldn't be what he thought it was. _Surely. _It had to be. It couldn't be. Why would it be? Why _should_ it be?

Yes, he had to be mistaken. Surely, it was simply the head injury messing with him. _Surely_ he had not somehow come to develop a crush on Kagura-chan! Not _that_ Kagura, that bottomless pit, that loudmouthed brat, that true-blue friend, that vivacious hellion, that cute little firecracker...

Shinpachi's blush deepened, and his stomach felt like it was swarming with flitting and fluttering butterflies. He suddenly didn't feel so hungry anymore.

Slowly, shyly, he gazed into Kagura's eyes, as blue as the ocean. They were calm now, clear and soft, but he knew the wrath they could hold, the passion. Her eyes were beautiful and pure, like the ocean, but also like the ocean, Shinpachi knew, the girl could be fickle and capricious.

_'"For someone with such beautiful eyes, you sure have an ugly heart."'_

Shinpachi smiled wryly as he chewed, remembering those words he had spoken to Kagura so long ago. He could not remember the context of why he had said that, and he wasn't even sure that he remembered his words correctly, but it made him grin all the same. Those words were truer than he could have possibly known at the time he had spoken them. Kagura had a heart black as coal, greedy and petty and selfish. She was crude and unrefined, nothing like what a lady, a little girl, should be – rough around the edges did not even begin to cover it. She was ragged and rugged and rude and lewd, and dammit all but Shinpachi wouldn't have her any other way.

Swallowing another mouthful of the rice, Shinpachi grinned at Kagura.

"You look very cute today, Kagura-chan," he remarked cheerfully.

"I'm cute every day, aru," Kagura retorted haughtily, sticking a tongue out at Shinpachi. "You're just saying that 'cause I'm dressed up like a nurse. But don't get any funny ideas, aru!" she said warningly, giving Shinpachi a suspicious, half-lidded look. "I'm only doing this 'cause Ane-go asked me to, aru."

Shinpachi chuckled sheepishly. "She asked you to take care of me while dressed up like that...?"

"She insisted, aru," Kagura huffed, pouting childishly. "She said it was my responsibility since I was the one who knocked you out."

"I see..." Shinpachi murmured. _'Ane-ue... what are you up to...?'_

He then paused, blinking as he processed the last part of Kagura's sentence.

"Wait, what?"

**TTFN and R&R!**

* * *

_translation notes:_

_none_


	8. Don't Take too Long to Recover

**Odd Jobs Crack**

A _Gintama_ thingy

by

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

**A/N: Okay, so I've watched through all of the Gintama anime (so far) and picked up in the manga where I left off in the anime, reading up through the Obi One Kenofi arc and all the way through chapter 415. And I've gotta say, I've rarely felt prouder of a fictional character than I did when Shinpachi beat Obi in a single stroke, not only because of what it meant in terms of his increasing strength and skill, but also because of what it meant in terms of his growing maturity. **

**Also, from the arc before that, one of my favorite lines in all of Gintama:**

**Gin (standing alongside Shinpachi, facing off against the Shogun's guards while Kagura, Tsukuyo, and Nobume go to town): "Well, geez... Traveling with three **_**keisei**_**..."**

**Shinpachi: "Looks like it'll get way more bones broken than opposing the Shogun would."**

**Shinpachi (addressing the guards): "I don't wanna sound like a jerk, but you'd better call in the cavalry."**

**Gin: "I don't know if you're immediate guards for the Shogun family or whatever, but for asshats like you, whose skills have rotted in these times of peace, do you really think you're enough to take us on?"**

**Gin and Shinpachi (leaping up into the air): "WITH THOSE BITCHES... WE LIVE IN THE WARRING STATES ERA EVERY DAMN DAAAAY!-!"**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**P.S.: ...still willing to hear any ideas you readers might have. I was able to squeeze another chapter out of the end of the previous one, but it's pretty much just stalling on my part.**

* * *

Shinpachi sighed longsufferingly, rubbing his temples in an attempt to stave off an oncoming headache. He gave Kagura a dirty look as the girl eagerly chowed down on what remained of the egg-on-rice (which was a goodly amount, since she had made a lot to begin with and Shinpachi had only eaten a little).

"Could you explain that again, Kagura-chan?" he asked dryly, eyes half-lidded behind his glasses. "For the benefit of the readers, since the author skipped a bit a time between this chapter and the previous one."

Kagura, her mouth full of eggy rice, made a grunting sound that might have been something like a yes. She then, after a couple more moments of pigging out, set the now-empty rice cooker back down on the bed, wiping clumps of rice and egg off her cheeks, smacking her lips.

"Okay, aru," she said. "So, like I was saying, Gin-chan explained that you were a were-metal-head, but then you said that you were just trying to forget something. Then Ane-go went 'BASH', and you went 'BLEAH', so I went 'THWACK! HOMERUN!', aru."

She crossed her arms and nodded sagely.

"Understand, aru?"

"_Not in the least!_" Shinpachi snapped. "How the hell am I supposed to understand that?-!"

Kagura simply picked her nose, giving Shinpachi a dry look. "I thought characters with glasses were supposed to be smart, aru, but I guess you're just the kind of idiot who wouldn't understand something even it was explained to you."

"Nobody would be able to understand a half-assed explanation like that!" Shinpachi shouted. "You aren't even trying to make sense!"

Kagura shrugged. "Well if the readers want to know what happened, they just have to go back and read chapter six, aru."

Shinpachi sweatdropped. "But what about _me?_" he muttered lowly. "I don't remember one bit of what happened yesterday, and your explanations aren't helping matters.

Kagura waved a hand dismissively. "You need to stop dwelling on the past, Pattsuan. Look forward, aru. Forget about yesterday and live in the moment. That's what I do."

"Stop trying to sound deep, Kagura-chan," Shinpachi deadpanned. "That's just you being an idiot."

Kagura pouted childishly, the cute expression on her face causing Shinpachi's cheeks to redden slightly.

"Whatever, aru," she muttered, puffing her cheeks out.

Shinpachi sighed, but there was the ghost of a smile tugging at the corners of his lips, and his eyes were twinkling with amusement.

"Ahhh, you're too adorable, Kagura-chan," he chuckled, affectionately patting the nurse cosplaying Yato lass on the head. Her hair was remarkably soft between his fingers, almost like silk, and he found himself running his fingers through it.

Kagura stiffened at his touch, and unless Shinpachi was seeing things, there was the lightest bit of pink tingeing her pale cheeks. Almost against his will, Shinpachi found himself leaning in over the girl, bowing his head above hers. He inhaled softly, taking in the scent of Kagura's hair.

It smelt faintly of honey.

Kagura whimpered at Shinpachi's closeness, and he smiled, wrapping his arms around her slight frame, drawing her close. She was so warm, and so soft. Her face was red, but her arms were wrapped around his chest, which was bare beneath the covers. She felt so small, so weak and helpless, caught up in his embrace, yet Shinpachi knew all too well that she was anything but.

He smiled, cupping a hand under her chin, lifting Kagura's face up. He lowered his head, planting a soft, chaste kiss on her lips. When he pulled back, he saw that she was looking up at him with wide eyes, her cheeks red.

"Was that your first kiss, Kagura-chan?" he asked her, smiling.

The redhead's blush deepened, and she shyly averted her gaze, stammering, "I-It was yours, too, aru..." she murmured, "...your first real one, that is... yes, aru?"

Shinpachi's smile widened ever so slightly, and he leaned in to plant a second kiss on Kagura's lips. "I suppose so..." he mused, before —

* * *

THWACK

"Ow, my nose!" Shinpachi cursed, clutching the organ in question and falling back on his bed, blood seeping through his fingers. "What the hell was that for?-!" he demanded indignantly, glowering at Kagura.

"What were you thinking about with perverted look on your face?" Kagura shot back. "You were obviously thinking something dirty, aru."

"N-No!" Shinpachi protested. "I wasn't!"_ 'Not really, at least.'_

"Your nose is bleeding," Kagura pointed out, her eyes half-lidded.

"That's because you punched me, you psychopath!" Shinpachi snapped.

"A technicality, aru," she said, waving a hand dismissively. "It's still bleeding, isn't it?"

"_That's a pretty damn big technicality!_"Shinpachi shouted in exasperatedly. "If the only reason it's bleeding is because you punched me, how can you say that it's proof I was having dirty thoughts?-!"

"So you admit you were having dirty thoughts, aru?"

"No! Of course not!" Shinpachi snapped. "And why do you keep insisting that I was? Are you sure you aren't just projecting?-!"

"Are you sure that _you_ aren't the one doing the projecting?" Kagura smoothly retorted, casually picking her nose. "Since you're the one with the bloody nose, aru."

Shinpachi narrowed his eyes, scowling at Kagura.

"So we're back to that again, are we...?" he muttered.

* * *

Eventually after a long period of bickering back and forth, Shinpachi and Kagura managed to reach a compromise, and draw up an accord, which went thusly: Shinpachi_ was_ having sorta-dirty thoughts, but Kagura was too, so they would consider it a draw. Also, that Shinpachi's nosebleed was only because Kagura had punched him, and that Kagura had only punched Shinpachi because he had been patting her on the head.

Neither side was completely happy with the terms of their temporary ceasefire, but then that was just how compromises worked. The important thing was that they had finally stopped arguing long enough for Kagura to change Shinpachi's bandages (after wiping away the blood from his nose).

"Hold still," Kagura instructed as she unwound the gauze wrapped around Shinpachi's forehead. On the outside it was white, but on the lower layers there was a bit of gunk, and they were yellowish-brownish and dirty. There weren't any apparent bloodstains on them, though.

"How does it look?" Shinpachi asked, seeing Kagura carelessly discard the dirty bandages. He was no stranger to injuries or head wounds, so he wasn't worried, but he was nonetheless curious about how bad it must have been if even someone like Kagura actually felt obligated to help him get better... even if only because Ane-ue had told her to do as much.

"Better, aru," Kagura said simply, eying Shinpachi's forehead. "I don't see the bone sticking out, now."

Shinpachi blinked. "Eh?" he said nervously. "Bone...? What bone? Do you mean my skull?-! What, did I have a skull fragment sticking out of my forehead or something?-!"

"Something like that," Kagura said bluntly as she daubed a bit of thick, strong-smelling white paste to his forehead. It stung badly, and Shinpachi had to bite his lip to keep from hissing as Kagura rubbed the concoction into his skin.

"Just how hard did you hit me...?" Shinpachi felt the need to ask, as Kagura got up to fetch a fresh set of bandages from the first aid kit on top of his dresser.

"Not hard enough to kill you," Kagura answered easily, causing her fellow Odd Jobber to sweatdrop. "You're tougher than that, aru."

"A-And... h-how long have I been out...?" he asked with a bit of trepidation.

"Just the one night, aru."

Shinpachi breathed a sigh in relief at that news as Kagura walked over with a clean roll of gauze.

"Really?" he said, smiling wistfully. "That's good to hear. For a moment there you had me thinking I'd been seriously injured..."

"Nah," said Kagura, unrolling the gauze and beginning to tightly wrap it around Shinpachi's head. "Ane-go is just a worry-wart, aru."

"Haha, yes. I suppose so," Shinpachi said, chortling sheepishly. "No matter what happens, she'll always see me as her little brother, I guess..."

"Hmm... It must be nice, aru..." Kagura murmured as she finished applying the fresh bandaging. "...having a big sister like her..."

Shinpachi's widened infinitesimally as he noticed that Kagura's eyes looked a little watery. "Ah... Kagura-chan..." he whispered. "I forgot... I didn't mean it like...!"

"No, aru," Kagura said softy. She was looking into his brown eyes, tears beading up in the corners of her eyes, a wan smile on her face. "I've got you, and Gin-chan, and Ane-go... and even Hage... that's plenty family, aru."

Shinpachi smiled. "Yeah... that's right..." he said. "You have us, and we have you. And that's why we'll help you kick his ass and drag him home, yeah?"

Kagura smiled brightly. "Yeah!" she chirped, before wiping the tears from her eyes. "With a big sis like Ane-go and a big bro like Gin-chan, we'll show that deadbeat dummy what a real family looks like, aru!"

Shinpachi laughed, and so did Kagura, but later, when he was alone with his thoughts, Shinpachi would wonder to himself. If Gin-san was the big brother, Ane-ue was the big sister, and Umibozu-san was the father, then what was _he?_

**TTFN and R&R!**

* * *

_translation notes:_

_"hage" - "baldy", what Kagura calls her dad, Umibozu._


	9. Don't Update When You're Half Asleep

**Odd Jobs Crack**

A _Gintama_ thingy

by

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

**A/N: I finished reading through the rest of the manga online yesterday. And holy crap, at chapter 418. Hahahahaha, **_**holy crap.**_** Kagura with a tail and Shinpachi with a hairy chest. Bloody hell, that was a crazy chapter, and my brain has already incorporated those into my head-canon, regardless of whether I wanted it to or not.**

**I̵͔͔̭͍͙̥̱̺̼̝͉̭͙͋̐͆̽̀N̸̛̼̮̣͖̐̾ͥ̐͛ͧ̅̈́̂ͦ͊͐̒͠͞ͅF̛ͯͨ̎̿̂̊͗́̓̉̽̓̔ͩ͊͘͘҉͚͓͍̮͙͍͔͎I̧̡͕͚̜̫̙͓̯̪̫͎͖̻͒̿ͮ̂͗͑̽̃ͤ̿ͮ̊ͅN̸̛̍̎̔̑̂̍͂̽̊̓҉̢͕̤̳̺̟̟͕̫I̡̺̟̠̣̬̼̿̓͊̔̉͆ͯͤ́͟T̢̗̳̰̪ͮ̌̍̎́͜͝͠Ĕ̶̤͎̱͇͗̌̈̈ͥ̈́̔̐ͨ̎ͩ̇ͫ͋ͭͫ͡ ̵̵̛̻͚͓̲̮̳̣̝̮̮̪̻̙͙̉̇̍͂̒̓ͤ͛̾͗ͪ̚͞Ḩ̡̬̳̖͎̪̝͎̳͓̼̠͔̟̲̗͍͇̀̽͛ͭ̓͑͛̉͊͗ͫͭ͢͡ͅA̷͕̬̺͇̺̘̭̩̯̻̤͖̫̦̼̮̹̟̓ͤͣͬ͋̄ͭͧ̈́̇̄͒ͬ́̚͘ͅP̂̿ͥ̍̎ͮ̒͂ͨͯͦ҉̡̮͓̤̻̲̺́̕͝P̛̜̳̳͔͙̘͔̙̆̓̋ͤ̽̿̅̎͗ͧͬ̽͊̐ͤ̾̋͝Y̶̴̨̛̝̲͓̞̹̭͔̺̤̖̦̑ͣ̔ͧ̌̊̂͗̓̐͂ͤ͋̓ͥͫ͐̍**

**Also, my grandma's coming over, so I might not have as much time for writing.  
**

* * *

Kagura let out a yawn as she left Shinpachi's room, stretching her arms over her head and arching her back. Her eyes were squeezed shut and her mouth split wide open as she yawned. She hadn't gotten much sleep the previous night, due to being recruited by Ane-go to watch over Shinpachi while the elder Shimura sibling repaired the walls of the dojo, and it was unlikely she would get any more today...

Somehow, Shinpachi had managed to wrangle her into helping him train.

_"Wait, what do you mean Gin-san gave me the day off?" Shinpachi asked Kagura, a little while after the girl had returned from taking the rice cooker back to the kitchen. "We hardly ever get any work anyway, so why would he feel the need to do that? And it's not like I'm even seriously injured or anything, either, right?"_

_ "Dunno, aru," Kagura replied, lazily flicking a booger off of her finger. "But he left a message on your answering machine this morning saying you don't have to go in... and by you don't have to go in, I mean he threatened to string you by your underwear if he saw you anywhere near his place, aru."_

_ Shinpachi grimaced, eye twitching. "Geez," he muttered. "That sounds less like Gin-san wants me to recover quickly, and more like he just doesn't want me around..." _

_ He then sighed. _

_ "Well, I guess I won't be going to work today then..." he murmured, before shaking his head. "But I can't just lie around all day, either..." _

_ "Why not, aru?" Kagura asked. _

_ Shinpachi gave her a deadpan look. "Unlike you and Gin-san, I'm not a couch potato," he said bluntly. "I'll get restless if all do is lounge around."_

_ "What's wrong with being a couch potato?" Kagura asked him. "Couches are great for napping on, and potatoes are the king of tubers, aru."_

_ Shinpachi pushed his glasses up his nose. "If you and Gin-san were any less motivated you would be going backwards."_

_ "I'm plenty motivated," she retorted, childishly sticking her tongue out at him. _

_ "Is that so...? Then how about you help me out with my training?" Shinpachi suggested offhandedly. "A samurai should strive for perfection in everything he does. I've gotten a lot better with swords since meeting you and Gin-san, but I still have a long way to go before I can call myself a real samurai." _

_ He smiled softly, and added in a murmur, "...I just don't want to be a burden to you guys... If we're talking about going up against a captain or whatever of those Harusame guys, then I'll need to get a lot stronger. I don't want to see you or Gin-san get hurt while I'm unable to do anything. Not again."_

_ Kagura scoffed, closing her eyes and looking away from Shinpachi. Her face was feeling a little warm, and her stomach felt a little funny. Shinpachi was actually sounding kind of... _cool. _Clearly, that had to be a sign of the apocalypse. _

_ "Whatever. Just don't go thinking about trying to act like a hero, aru," she harrumphed. "I don't wanna see you running into a fight with people like that idiot brother of mine or his cronies."_

_ Shinpachi grinned. "Is that concern for me I hear in your voice?"_

_ Kagura snorted, crossing her arms and turning her nose up imperiously. "Of course not," she said. "You'd just get in my way, aru."_

_ Shinpachi scratched the back of his neck sheepishly._

_ "Yeah, maybe."_

Kagura sighed at the recollection. Somehow, Shinpachi had managed to talk into helping him out with his training, and so there she was, leaning against the wall beside his bedroom door, waiting for Shinpachi to get dressed.

"Oy, Patsuan..." she muttered irritably, crossing her arms and glowering at the opposite wall. "Hurry up, aru. That flashback took nearly three pages, and you _still _haven't finished getting dressed, aru. What are you doing in there?" she whispered rhetorically, "Shaving your legs?"

She snorted at her own remark, only for the door to suddenly open, revealing a lightly scowling Shinpachi.

"Don't be so impatient, Kagura-chan..." the teen grumbled lightly, stepping out to reveal that he was dressed in his usual light blue keikogi and dark navy hakama. "It took me a while to make my bed because I had to brush the rice off of it first."

He adjusted his glasses on the bridge of his nose and closed the bedroom door behind him.

"Well," he said heading down to where he usually practiced, "come on, Kagura-chan."

**TTFN and R&R!**

* * *

_translation notes:_

_none_


	10. Don't Stalk Your Siblings

**Odd Jobs Crack**

A _Gintama_ thingy

by

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

**A/N: Been sleepin' in the living room and watchin' lots of ID (investigation discovery) channel, 'cause that's what's Grandma's usually watchin'. Also been lurkin' and posting in a few Broken Forum LPs. **

**Basically, Imma rottin' mah brain :D**

******Also, we have snow on the ground up here, now – it started falling on Thanksgiving, and by the time of writing this we have a good sized layer of it covering everything.**

* * *

The steady, rhythmic _thunk thunk _sound of clashing wasters echoed throughout the Shimura family's dojo. It was accompanied by a duet of grunting and _kiai_ as two young combatants went at it, grinning as they let their bodies get lost in the chaotic harmony of battle.

Wooden training swords flexed and groaned as two earnest teenagers struck them together. Feet skidded and stepped and darted and skipped the dojo floor, describing the deadly waltz of a violent melee as the two opponents danced about one another, each probing the other's defenses, their arms a flurry of thrusting and swiping and feinting and parrying.

Shinpachi Shimura could not hold back a smirk as he spotted in opening in Kagura's wild form. She was a dangerous sparring partner – moreso, even, than most of the more _serious_ foes he had ever faced in life-or-death combat – as to be expected from a member of the so-called strongest tribe in the galaxy, from the daughter of the legendary Umibozu, and Shinpachi was hard pressed to keep up with her swift and graceful movements, or defend against her fierce, brutal attacks. While Kagura had no real training in swordsmanship, she did not use the _bokuto_ like a sword. She did not make any pretense of using her waster like a bladed weapon, no – she swung it wildly, furiously, not caring about what edge she struck with so long as she _struck_.

This lack of real form did not prevent Shinpachi from getting a feel for how she moved, though. Kagura was merciless even when she was holding back, true, but this was as much an advantage for Shinpachi as it was for her. Her relentless onslaught pushed him to the edge of his abilities, exerting considerable pressure upon him to evolve or die, so to speak. Simply defending against Kagura's devastating blows was an exhausting endeavor, but Shinpachi pushed on through the pain. There was no better way to improve than trial by fire, and sparring with Kagura was like being dunked in lava.

Fluidly, in a long practiced movement, Shinpachi lowered his body and thrust with his bokuto, leaning into the blow to extend his reach as much as possible without overbalancing. Kagura, who had been swinging her waster in a sweeping arc, was caught off guard by the attack, but she sidestepped at the last moment, turning what would have been a square blow to the abdomen into a glancing strike that brushed against her waist.

Shinpachi seeing the gleam in the girl's eyes, skipped back several steps before she could retaliate, narrowly avoiding a dropkick heavy enough to shake the dojo floor, though not _quite_ crack it.

This was the scene unfolding before a certain pair's eyes as they watched the proceedings through a window from outside the dojo.

"That kid's putting on a pretty good showing for an earthling," mused a tall, broad shouldered man with long, messy, straw-brown hair, sheltering himself from the sun beneath a beat up old fashioned umbrella. "Don't you think, Captain?"

A slim, much shorter young man with braided vermillion hair and curved slit eyes crinkled by an ever-present smile, chuckled mirthlessly.

"A weakling is a weakling, no matter how skilled," the young man quipped, a lightly amused look on his face as he watched Shinpachi and Kagura spar. "And you know I have no interest in the weak, Abuto."

The larger man, now identified as Abuto, grinned wryly. "How cold," he remarked. "You're the same as ever, Captain. You still don't care about your own family, not even after all this time?"

The young man's smile widened, his eyes cracking open. There was a subtle glint of dangerous instability in their sea-blue depths, and his smile showed off a set of disconcertingly sharp pearly whites.

"Like I said," he reiterated with deceptive cheer, "I don't care about the weak. Not the boy, and not my sister."

He gestured towards the window, through which his sister, Kagura, and the boy, Shinpachi, could be seen sparring with each other. "What does it matter to me, if two weaklings should have feelings for one another?" he continued, speaking rhetorically, the smile never leaving his face.

"Oh...? But they make _such_ a cute couple..." interjected a new, distinctly female voice. It sounded cheerful, but there was a hint of something unsettling in it, a subtle, dangerous lilt to her tone.

Turning their heads, Abuto and Kamui (for that was clearly whom the latter was) looked behind them to see the face of a fairly pretty, young earthling woman smiling at them. Her eyes were shut, much like the young captain's usually were, and also much like Kamui she seemed to be radiating a faint aura of bloodlust.

"Ah..." Abuto said, somewhat awkwardly, eying the girl who had somehow managed to sneak up on him and Kamui, "...hello, there..."

"Hello~" the woman responded cheerfully, her smile widening by the slightest fraction. "And what might the two of you be doing here uninvited~?"

Kamui _smiled_. "That's our business," he chirped, "not yours."

Abuto gulped nervously, taking an unconscious step back. There was a bit of sweat beading on his brow, and his pulse was skyrocketing. He grit his teeth, grinning anxiously, his eyes darting between this stranger and his captain.

_'I don't want to get in the middle of this...'_ he thought nervously, surveying the excited look on Kamui's face. _'Once the captain gets started... I don't want to get in his way...'_

"Really?" said the young woman, the slightest hint of ice in her voice. "How _interesting,_"

A chill ran down Abuto's spine at the way the girl said that last word, and he took another step back, consciously this time. Kamui, however, looked eager, and his grin widened into a feral rictus, baring his teeth. His eyes were fully open now, and his hackles raised.

"Oh? And how so, bitch?" the redhead casually asked the brunette, whose hair was done up in a ponytail.

The girl smiled in a deceptively serene manner. "Our dojo is closed today," she said simply. "N̸̛̍̎̔̑̂̍͂̽̊̓҉̢͕̤̳̺̟̟͕̫ó͓̙̲̂̍͂ͨ̅͑ s̛͓̟̬̻̜͔̝̳̄̓̀͊̐͞ǫ̸̸͘l͔̘̾͐̿͊͆͡i̸͚͓̪͂ͥ͐̑̉͑ͧ͢͝c̵̳͙̰̥͖̪͚͐̂ͨ̇͌̋̎̒ͭ̄̂͐ͮ́͑̀͠i̸͚͓̪͂ͥ͐̑̉͑ͧ͢͝ẗ̢̛̥͈̭̬̯͓̱̝̺́̈́̈ͨ̚͜͡o̶̡̨̙̰̰͉̪̙̮͓͚̣̯̳̱̹͍̫̞̭̒͋̏̃̇̅ͪ̀̀̈́̀̏͗̅̓͆r͇͚̻̭͓̬̬̫̝̩̯̣͇̥̳̭͍͎̓͒͆ͫ͊ͭ͐́͐̀̄̀͟s̛͓̟̬̻̜͔̝̳̄̓̀͊̐͞ a͙̥̰̠͆͜l̢̛͈̬͈̲̮ͧͩͯ̊͛͂̈́̏ͪ̇͗̄̽͐̇̔̾ͭḽ̶̢̧̫̺̪͒͑̾͌ͥ̃̈͜͜o̶̡̨̙̰̰͉̪̙̮͓͚̣̯̳̱̹͍̫̞̭̒͋̏̃̇̅ͪ̀̀̈́̀̏͗̅̓͆w̧̍͗ͫ̋̋ͮ͐͏̝̖̥e̠̯͙̻͇̩̻͇ͭͥͣͬ̀͢͟d̪̯̩̟̳̘̳.̺̦̟̤̤̤̖͔̪̜͋͊͂͒ͬͧ͑̌̒ͫ̑ͦ͑̈́̏̉̀͘͝͞ͅ"

Then, faster than either Abuto or Kamui could react, the two suddenly found themselves hurtling through the air at mach five. They flew several city blocks before finally making a crash landing on Main Street, Kabukicho, right in front of Snackhouse Otose.

Abuto blinked dumbly. He was dazed, lying in a crater formed by his body. The captain, lying next to him, had a stunned expression on his face.

Kamui turned his head to look at his subordinate, eyes wide. His mouth gaped open. "I... I..." he stammered slowly, uncertainly. "_I think I'm in love...!_"

**TTFN and R&R!**

* * *

_translation notes:_

_none_


	11. Don't Drink too Much

**Odd Jobs Crack**

A _Gintama_ thingy

by

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

**A/N: I've been sorta sleepy the past few days. This may or may not have affected the quality of this chapter, but I can't tell for sure, due to aforementioned sleepiness.  
**

* * *

Gintoki Sakata's head hurt. It was throbbing and pounding like nobody's business. The pain was intense, so much so that he could not sleep. He didn't want to get up, though. Not when he was this hungover.

Gin felt like _shit_, to put it bluntly. His senses were presently all too... well, _sensitive_, for his tastes. The faint _scritch-swish_ of Tama sweeping downstairs was like nails-on-chalkboard to the man's ears, and he could probably count the number of threads in his clothes just going by what was touching his skin. Furthermore, his room was _too damn bright_, light searing his retinas even through his tightly shut eyelids.

Gin groaned. He did _not_ want to get up, no. Honestly, all he wanted to do was lie on his futon and wait for his misery to end. But his body would not let him. It was feeling the call of nature, and feeling it _bad_.

The silver-haired ex-Joi sighed. While he was in no mood to get up – even to go to the bathroom – he was in even _less_ of a mood to run his pants and futon through the wash, which he would need to do if he did not get up and go _now._

_'Dammit...'_ Gin thought blearily, rolling out of bed and getting to his feet. _'I shouldn'a drank so much last night...'_

Before he could walk to the bathroom however, he was startled by a loud _**CRASH**_ outside. He nearly jumped out of his skin in fright, the rusty gears of his sleepy, hungover mind screeching dreadfully as two-something decades of combat experience immediately kicked in, his body going into fight-or-flight mode.

When nothing further happened after a minute or two of anxious vigilance, Gin tentatively relaxed. As the adrenaline was filtered out of his system, the hangover and drowsiness – which had been shunted aside by the rush of panic – returned with a vengeance, and he nearly collapsed right there.

"Ugh..." he grunted, feeling like someone had just stabbed a red-hot horseshoe nail through his skull (a sensation with which he was regrettably familiar). His trousers were suspiciously warm, and he no longer felt any pressure in his bladder.

"Goddammit," Gin sighed longsufferingly. "_Seriously? _I'm too old to be doing this..." he grumbled. He then paused, a thoughtful expression on his face even as he turned about-face and headed to his closet. He furrowed his brow, frowning. "...or is it 'too young'...?" he wondered idly, before shaking his head. "Well, whatever..."

He then clutched his forehead as a pang went through it, grimacing at the taste of bile on the back of his tongue. "Geez..." he muttered under his breath, "...the hell was that, anyways...? Did a car crash outside, or something...?"

As he pondered the mystery of that noise, Gin gathered up a clean change of clothes before heading to the bathroom to clean off.

* * *

Back at the dojo, Shinpachi fell to his knees with a grimace, panting heavily. Sweat was pouring down his face, and his arms were trembling from overexertion.

"I win, aru," Kagura said smugly, the tip of her waster mere centimeters from Shinpachi's face.

"Haa... Haaa... So you did..." panted Shinpachi, smiling weakly. "But... I think... I did pretty good..."

Kagura stuck her tongue out at him. "Not good enough," she taunted childishly, pulling down the bottom of one eyelid, "I rule, and you drool, aru~"

Shinpachi grit his teeth, one of his eyes twitching. _'What a brat,'_ he thought irritably. _'Even if she's cute on the outside, she's still as ugly as ever on the inside...'_

He got to his feet with a grimace, wincing as his sore joints protested this sudden movement. The training sword was clutched limply in his hand, which was slick with sweat.

"Well, I think that's enough sparring for today..." he said slowly, deciding not to rise to Kagura's bait.

"Oh?" came his sister's voice. "Is that so, Shin-chan? But you were doing so well."

Shinpachi and Kagura blinked in unison.

"Ane-ue!-?" exclaimed the former, startled by the sudden appearance of his elder sister. "When did you get here?"

Otae, standing in the doorway, inclined her head and smiled.

"Just now," she said cheerfully. "But I think I saw enough..."

Kagura beamed, running up and glomping Tae. "I kicked his ass, Ane-go!" she bragged, despite this not being much of a feat at all for someone of her strength. "Shinpachi didn't stand a chance, aru!"

Shinpachi sweatdropped at this, but Otae smiled indulgently.

"That's nice, Kagura-chan," said the elder Shimura sibling as she affectionately ruffled the younger girl's hair. Her tone then changed ever so subtly. "However..." she said slowly, "...Do you really think sparring was such a good idea, in his condition...?"

Kagura blinked, a slight shiver running down her spine. She was not unacquainted with that tone in Otae's voice, but this was the first time she could remember it being directed at her. The older girl was usually very lenient with Kagura, who admired her considerably, but it seemed that blood, at least in this case, was indeed thicker than water, as Kagura could feel the weight of Otae's ire bearing down upon her.

Knowing how things usually went for the objects of the Shimura daughter's wrath, Kagura did what anyone would have done in her position.

"It was his idea!" the Yato girl declared, pointing the finger at Shinpachi, shamelessly selling him out in the blink of an eye. "Shinpachi made me do it, aru!"

Shinpachi throat went dry when he heard that, and his spine froze up when he felt his beloved (but terrifying) elder sister level a dangerous look in his direction.

"Ohhh? Is that so...?" Otae said in a low, dangerous voice.

Shinpachi gulped nervously as he saw his sister begin slowly, ominously, walking towards him. Faced with the legendary wrath of Tae Shimura, there was only one recourse.

_Run like a coward._

And he did, Kagura quickly joining him in his desperate flight. This was no time for petty squabbling, after all. Their lives were seriously on the line – neither one held any illusions that Otae, bear-shirted as she was, would make any distinctions between them.

So they ran.

**TTFN and R&R!**

* * *

_translation notes:_

_"bear-shirted" - "berserk"; not a translation, per se, but rather a turn of phrase I made up on the spot. _


End file.
